You Can’t Just Coach Your Team on Their Behaviors
This week I’m talking specifically to those of you who lead others. My goal with this episode is to add another tool to your ability to coach your team members.
What many managers do is focus their attention on their direct reports’ behaviors – what they are doing, or not doing, that is causing a problem.
While there is a place for this, it doesn’t get to the root of the problem – what they are thinking that is causing the problem behavior.
And until you, as their manager, excavate their thought process, your efforts to change their behavior will be at cross-purposes.
I’m going to call this the “Feedback Loop of Doom” because you are treating the employee’s behavior like the problem itself, rather than a symptom of something deeper.
Some examples are in order.
Surface Coaching Model (behavior-only)
The Behavior: Sarah, a senior analyst, is consistently missing deadlines for her monthly reports.
The Surface Coaching: The manager sits Sarah down and focuses strictly on the clock.
The "Fix": "Sarah, you've missed the last three deadlines. I need you to start using a project management tool and block off four hours every Thursday to get these done. Can you commit to that?”
The Result: Sarah agrees because she feels pressured. She blocks the time on her calendar, but when Thursday comes, she finds "urgent" emails to answer instead. She misses the next deadline.
Why it Fails
The manager assumed the problem was logistical (time management). By only addressing the "what" (missed deadlines) and providing a "how" (calendar blocking), they ignored the "why."
The Hidden Thought Process: Sarah actually believes that “If this report isn't perfect, people will realize I’m not qualified for this senior role.” Because she is paralyzed by perfectionism, she procrastinates to avoid the pain of potential failure. A calendar invite can’t fix a fear of inadequacy.
Excavation Coaching (addressing the underlying thought process)
The Behavior: Marcus, a team lead, refuses to delegate tasks, leading to him being burnt out and his team feeling micromanaged.
The Excavation Coaching: Instead of telling Marcus to "just let go," the manager asks curious, open-ended questions to find the root.
The Manager: "Marcus, I noticed you're still handling the vendor transitions yourself instead of handing them to your associates. What goes through your mind when you think about passing that task off?"
Marcus: "I just feel like if it’s not done exactly right, it creates more work for me later."
The Manager (Excavating): "So the thought is: 'It's faster if I do it myself.' If you keep believing that, what happens to your ability to lead the bigger strategy?"
The Result: Marcus realizes his thought—“My value is in the execution, not the leadership”—is what’s actually holding him back.
Why it Works
By "excavating" the thought, the manager helps Marcus see that his behavior is a logical reaction to a flawed belief. Once Marcus shifts his thought from "I must do this to ensure quality" to "My job is to grow others' ability to ensure quality," the delegation happens naturally without the manager having to nag him.
One More Model
Now I want to take the same example, first with surface coaching and then with excavation coaching.
The Behavior: Elena is a brilliant engineer who is remarkably silent in high-stakes strategy meetings. Even when the team is headed toward a technical error she likely sees, she stays quiet and only mentions it in a private 1-on-1 later.
The "Surface" Coaching (Focus on Action)
The manager notices the silence and tries to "motivate" her into speaking up.
The "Fix": "Elena, I need you to be more vocal in our meetings. You have great insights. Next time, I’m going to call on you specifically so you can share your thoughts with the group. Okay?"
The Result: Elena feels put on the spot and anxious. When called on, she gives short, "safe" answers that don't add much value, and she begins to dread the meetings even more.
The "Excavation" Coaching (Focus on the Mental Model)
The manager realizes that Elena isn't "shy"—she’s likely operating under a specific set of internal rules.
The Manager: "Elena, I noticed that during the roadmap session, you had some concerns about the architecture that you waited to tell me afterward. What’s the 'internal rule' you’re following during those big group discussions?"
Elena: "I guess I feel like if I point out a flaw in public, it looks like I’m attacking the person who proposed the idea. I don't want to be 'that' person."
The Manager (Excavating): "Interesting. So the thought is: 'Correcting a peer in public equals an attack.' If you hold onto that thought, what is the cost to the project?"
Elena: "Well... we might build the wrong thing and have to scrap it in six months."
The Manager: "Exactly. What if we shifted that thought to: 'Sharing my expertise is an act of protection for the team'? How would that change how you show up?"
In this scenario, the manager identifies that Elena’s behavior isn't a lack of confidence; it’s a misguided sense of loyalty.
The Old Thought: "Speaking up is aggressive."
The New Thought: "Silence is a risk to my teammates."
Surface Coaching feels faster in the moment (it takes 30 seconds to tell someone to speak up or not be late), but Excavation Coaching is more efficient in the long run because it actually solves the problem instead of just managing the symptoms.
Transition Phrases
Here are three Transition Phrases (and the logic behind them) to help a manager move from the surface to the "excavation" site.
1. The "Logic Check"
Best for: When an employee is doing something that seems counter-productive or illogical.
"I’ve noticed [Behavior X], and I’m curious—what’s the internal rule or logic you’re following that makes that the right move in the moment?"
Why it works: It assumes the employee is a rational person. It doesn’t frame the behavior as "wrong"; it frames it as a result of a specific logic. This lowers their defenses immediately.
2. The "Story" Bridge
Best for: When there is a clear gap between their intent and their impact.
"I can see you’re working hard on this, but the result is [Problem Y]. What is the story you’re telling yourself about what’s most important right now?"
Why it works: This uses the concept of "The Story I'm Telling Myself" (popularized by Brené Brown). It separates the person from the thought, making the thought something you can both look at objectively on the table.
3. The "Assumption" Reveal
Best for: When an employee seems stuck or paralyzed by a task.
"If you were to take a different approach, what's the risk your brain is trying to protect you from?"
Why it works: This gets straight to the Protective Thought. Most bad behaviors are actually "safety behaviors"—procrastination protects us from failure; micromanaging protects us from loss of control. Identifying the risk identifies the thought.
The "Excavation" Script Flow
1. Observation: "I noticed you didn't delegate the Alpha Project."
2. The Pivot: "I'm less interested in the what and more interested in the 'why. Walk me through your thinking there."
3. The Excavation: "What's the belief behind that?” (e.g., 'If I don't do it, it won't be perfect.')
4. The Challenge: "If you keep believing that, what's the long-term cost to your career?"
5. The Reframe: "What's a new thought that would allow you to let go without feeling like you're failing?"
If you only coach the behavior, you're just a glorified hall monitor. If you coach the thought, you're actually a leader. One is about compliance; the other is about evolution.